Millians, Inc.

Ah, smog fall is in the air. Time to throw the kids into the Wagon Queen Family Truckster and head up to Burt’s Farm to bask in the warm glow that is Halloween Alpha. Naturally, as it’s a pumpkin farm—and we needed a pumpkin—we purchased nothing.

We also stopped by Amicola Falls, if only to remind ourselves why we stopped going there years ago. Timing our leave perfectly, a mere two hour car ride in traffic—peppered with the wails of one too young to understand the concept of roadtrip and one too old to be pulling the same crap—and we were back home. Good times.

Time for the annual trek to Sea Pines. Olivia and I headed down early, so Mary could relax alone at home with Piper. I’m not sure if that’s a dig at me, but hey, I only had to worry about one kid, which—much like having total consciousness on your deathbed—is nice.

Mary’s aunt Betty turned 75, and we went to The Smith Family lake house to celebrate for a surprise birthday party. Wait, I meant to say we celebrated via a surprise birthday party—we celebrated for the surprise birthday party a week ago, in the mountains. Man, I love that cool mountain air. So…airy. But I digress.

Piper slept the whole time, and Olivia was actually pretty good. We even got out on the lake, despite the waterline being about 10,000’ below normal.

Mary, Olivia and friends hit Sea Pines for a few weeks of well-deserved relaxation. That sneak Paul Lynde couldn’t make it. Something about him being dead for 26 years.

Neil convinced me and a few others to go to a NASCAR event. Atlanta Motor Speedway. I got a red neck from the sunburn. And I’m now deaf. Knock a few teeth out and I’m a walking stereotype. Can’t wait for Dukefest!

We went with Mary’s entire family to Atlantis, on lurvly Paradise Island in the Bahamas, to:

• Celebrate Thanksgiving
• Celebrate Mary’s dad’s 75th birthday
• See how much money we could part with in 4 days

If you ever go, realize that the snazzy photos you see of the Atlantis hotels are the parts they actually built—there are also parts that they purchased from other parties and quietly folded into the family, hoping the redolent bouquet of luxury would cover the foul stench of theft-by-obfuscation. So Atlantis is a collection of parts…

Parts like the former Paradise Island Red Roof Inn, where we stayed, for the paltry sum of $500/night. Should have splurged the extra $300/night for the good seats, I guess. It’s like I always say: better to spend $800/night for the real thing than to spend $500/night and have to listen to Ma and Pa Kettle argue over the cost of Kraft Singles from the minibar.

Still, we had fun playing in the water, had some good meals and saw ”Live with Regis and Kathy Lee Kelly” live, albeit without the “Live with” part. Plus, I got a couple of dives in with loan reef sharks at Stuart Cove’s cove. Word of warning: Stuart hates it when people say Stuart’s Cove. His name is really Stuart Cove, and he just happens to be located in a cove. Ironic serendipity, I guess.

Anywho, what’s not to like about a vacation featuring $16 hamburgers and sharks?!?

Mary and I did the live-aboard dive thing—the Cuan Law—to see the BVI. Best trip ever. Highly recommended. Basically, you dive once or twice in the morning, once or twice in the day, once at night. World’s largest trimaran. Sample dives:

• Great Harbor and Blonde Rock at Peter Island
• Wreck of the RMS Rhone at Salt Island
• Wreck Alley at Cooper Island
• Alice’s Back Door, Alice in Wonderland and Carvel Rock at Ginger Island
• Musk Mellon Bay and Grand Central Station at Guana Island
• Wreck of The Chikuzen
• Shark Point and Brewer’s Bay West at Tortola
• The Indians and Privateer’s Bay at Norman Island
• Beef Island

The Rhone was cool, but The Chikuzen—a Japanese refrigeration ship sitting at 100 feet—rocked. Giant eagle rays, barracuda and a Goliath grouper. We ended up at The Baths at Virgin Gorda—too many touristas there, though. I’ll take grouper over people anytime. Meh.

As part of our continuing effort to advance the limits of the “Save for a Rainy Day” vs. “Spend on a Sunny Day” debate, we went on a three hour two week cruise around Europe. Hamburg, Amsterdam, Dover, Normandy, Bordeaux, Bilbao and Porto, I think. It’s all kind of a blur—the unofficial theme of the adventure was wine. And lots of it. Oh, and I did I mention Amsterdam? That certainly didn’t help.

Since the majority of our time was spent in Bordeaux, I got to test out my high school French on the locals, but “Je suis désolé monsieur, mais il faut faire la queue pour voir le guignol” and “J’ai un grand crayon” can only get you so far. Anywho—we rented a car and tooled around small wineries, tasting at will. Good times.

Mary decided to surprise me for my 30th birthday by planning a long short weekend at The Inn at Little Washington. I’ve never been more surprised, especially since my 30th birthday was two years ago.

Anywho, we went to the hotel inn and decided to go all out, staying in the same suite Barbara Barbra Streisand always stays in. If I could do it all over again, I would have paid a bit more to have our own suite, but Ms. Streisand was very nice and we soon forgot she was there. That said, the decor was borderline appealing appalling. This place had been rode hard, wrapped in chintz and put up wet. Still, they made us a nice picnic when we left, so all-in-all, assuming the picnic was worth $1100, a fine investment for one night.

What better way to say “Happy 30th Birthday” to your wife than a trip to Sin City? I’m not much of a gambler, except when it comes to games of chance love. And I hit the jackpot. With my lovely wife.

Plied with promises of fun bonhomie free beer, we agreed to travel with Charlie and Malinda to the bitter cold of Canada in the dead of winter, specifically Carnaval de Québec in—wait for it—Vieux Québec. For those who didn’t spend a year at finishing school, that’s Old Quebec.

Over the course of a few days, I watched my spit freeze in the air, was trapped on a sleigh ride with Rusty after a Beef-A-Reeno bender and almost managed to burn down a B&B.

This despite the fact that I was very clear with Charlie that I liked my spit viscous, my sleigh rides smelling of lilac and my places of rest to be non-combustible hotels.