1. Bones heal, chicks dig scars and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!
    — Captain Lance Murdock
     
    2. Nov 23rd, 2009     quote

  2. Salad isn’t food. Salad is the promise that food will be arriving soon.
    — John Pinette
     
    3. Nov 10th, 2009     quote

  3. A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die.
    — Max Planck
     
    4. Oct 23rd, 2009     quote

  4. You start putting plans under microscopes, and nothing’s gonna make sense!
    — Charlie
     
    5. Oct 8th, 2009     quote

  5. Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.
    — Mac
     
    6. Oct 1st, 2009     quote

  6. Thursday Can't Come Soon Enough

    1. Ari: Just go get the dog.
    2. Frank: I don't have the dog.
    3. Ari: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
    4. Frank: [long pause] Yes.
     
    7. Sep 14th, 2009     quote

  7. Charlie, you’ve got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership. I’m promoting you to management.
    — Frank Reynolds
     
    8. Sep 1st, 2009     quote

  8. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
    — Julius Henry Marx
     
    9. Aug 22nd, 2009     quote

  9. Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We’re safe as kittens.
    — The Geek
     
    10. Aug 6th, 2009     quote

  10. Hi. I’m a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.
    — Dennis Reynolds
     
    11. Jul 23rd, 2009     quote

  11. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. And if you think I got that from Star Trek, you are very wrong, mister.
    — Ignignokt
     
    12. Jul 15th, 2009     quote

  12. If rubbin’ frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don’t wanna be right.
    — Free Waterfall Sr.
     
    13. Jun 26th, 2009     quote

  13. Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer “extortion.” The “X” makes it sound cool.
    — Bender Bending Rodríguez
     
    14. Jun 12th, 2009     quote

  14. You win again, gravity!
    — Zapp Brannigan
     
    15. Jun 3rd, 2009     quote

  15. Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.
    — Dr. Zoidberg
     
    16. May 25th, 2009     quote