1. I’m rarely one for moderation, but be careful not to over-pumice your heels.
    — Sterling Archer
     
    2. Jul 26th, 2010     quote

  2. Do you want ants?!? Because that’s how you get ants!
    — Malory Archer
     
    3. Jul 9th, 2010     quote

  3. Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
    — Homer J. Simpson, World’s Greatest Dad
     
    4. Jun 20th, 2010     quote

  4. My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
    — Drake Sather
     
    5. Jun 12th, 2010     quote

  5. We are all atheists about most of the Gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one God further.
    — Richard Dawson Dawkins
     
    6. Jun 5th, 2010     quote

  6. People use whale like a synonym for god damned gigantic!
    — Internal Affairs Officer, Investigating Police Corruption (A Depressed Whale)
     
    7. Apr 21st, 2010     quote

  7. I’m not grilling you a cheese!
    — Mallory Archer
     
    8. Apr 9th, 2010     quote

  8. I will not apologize for art.
    — Carl (Llamas with Hats)
     
    9. Mar 15th, 2010     quote

  9. You don’t eat someone because they don’t have heroin in their ass!
    — Charlie Kelly
     
    10. Mar 4th, 2010     quote

  10. The Shandy. Arch-nemesis of the hangover. Get inside me.
    — Archer Just the Tip of the Day (AJTTOTD)
     
    11. Feb 5th, 2010     quote

  11. Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts?
    — Sterling Archer
     
    12. Jan 29th, 2010     quote

  12. When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
    — Mitch Hedberg
     
    13. Jan 21st, 2010     quote

  13. I’ll just regress, because I feel I’ve made myself perfectly redundant.
    — Charlie Kelly
     
    14. Jan 14th, 2010     quote

  14. Le mieux est l’ennemi du bien. Et la vie est un cabaret.
    — Stephen Mallinder et all
     
    15. Dec 31st, 2009     quote

  15. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
    — Mitch Hedberg
     
    16. Dec 21st, 2009     quote